March- A Closer Look (Pt 1)

By: Amanda Underwood

Growing up in a Christian home, I was taught so many things. There were lessons upon lessons about what not to do. I  was taught about God at an early age and quickly became familiar with this being that 'ruled' over me. At the age of 6-7, I said a prayer to a God that I didn't know but I did feel happy that I had done this 'good' thing for myself and was saved from hell.

Fast forward 10 years and I am a lonely and depressed teen wondering why I was alive. I had many moments walking the halls of our high school questioning why I had to live. And even though I didn't always want to live, I was so very fearful of death. I was fearful of losing my parents (that started when I was a young child) and I was extremely fearful of my own death. Little did I know that God would deliver me from this and so much more!

As I got married and continued in my walk with the Lord, I was involved in church and ministry. Bruce and I were actively working with our youth and in other areas. There were still so many times that I questioned my salvation. Why was I still doing so many wrong things? How was I still saved? Maybe I wasn't. My fear of hell and death continued.  

Around the age of 24, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. This journey was not an easy one for me. Over the next 5 years, I would find myself clinging to whatever I could in order to bring relief to the scare that my felt. It wasn't until she passed in 2009 that I truly began to understand who God was. There was a moment that I sat on my bed crying and thinking that my life might actually end because of the pain. I had never felt a hurt like that in my heart before. Over the next few weeks and months, I struggled constantly. I cried at the drop of a hat and just couldn't recover from this trauma I had experienced. Everything to the sound of the machines indicating she was passing to the smell of hand sanitizer that I had used for 2 weeks when she was at the hospital for the last time.

Now, remember...I was still wondering who God was and trying to believe that He was real. One day, I recall praying and wanting to ask my heavenly Father to remove a memory that I just couldn't shake. I was so scared to pray this prayer. I was afraid I would lose all my memories of my sweet mom, my best friend.  I finally got the courage to lay this memory down and ask God to deliver me from it. I am not sure how long it took but I just remember a moment when I could not go back to that day in the ICU room, where I saw my mom taking her last breaths. Even now, in writing this, I can't go back there. And for that, I am grateful.

So what does all this have to do with our scripture for the month of March? 2 Timothy 3:16 tells me that every bit of scripture is used to live this life. Let me break it down so you can follow where I am going:

• All Scripture is inspired by God- This just shows me that this 'book', that has so much stuff in it, is not just words but the voice of God. In my moments of questioning His existence...this verse reflects that He is very much real! 
• All Scripture if beneficial- To be a benefit from something means to gain from it. I have read a lot of scripture and have been challenged just recently to read all of it. There has never been anything I have discovered that would hurt me or cause me pain. So not only is God real, but He is helpful. He is a gain to my life! 
• For teaching, rebuking, correction & training- There was so much I had not learned about my Savior because of the religious world that I had grown up in. In my moments of wondering who He really was, He continued to show me through scripture. Many verses (like Psalms 23, Proverbs 3:5-6, 2 Samuel 22:17-22, Galatians 6:17) became my bookmarked places in the Bible as I tried to overcome my fears and my search for who God was. It wasn't all fun. Many times, He let me fall on my face and go through the mud of life only to be right there when I was at the bottom of the pit looking up. 
• In righteousness- What could I say about these two words? The first thing that comes to my mind is God's character. It is righteous. It is holy. And it cannot against itself. This proves that if He is real then He will do what He says. 

At a youth conference years ago, I heard the speaker talk about a conversation with a believer of Christ and an atheist. The believer said, "If you are right and there is no God...then when you die, that's it. But if you were wrong and there was a God-  YOU WILL KNOW!" I am choosing and will choose forever to believe in my God. I will choose to call out His name and proclaim Him above all other things! I know that I will fail but I now know that because Jesus was nailed to the cross for my sins, He will always be faithful even with I am faithless. Even when I mess up and feel like I have done too much. May we be challenged by this verse and so many others to not only dig a little deeper in His word but learn it, memorize it, and live in it!